Absolved
by Leia 96
Summary: Escaping Re-Education is one thing; escaping the shell of a person you've become is entirely another. They've got her out and now all they can do is wonder: is this even Sydney anymore?
1. Cleansed

_**AN: **Hello all. I'm back with a new story and... it's actually a story! You read that right, this is the first non-oneshot I've written ever. This first chapter is by far the longest, by the way. Anyway, I've already written the entire thing, it's five chapters (short, I know – but much longer than oneshots which is what I typically write!), and I'll probably update once a week until the whole thing is up. I've blathered on here long enough. Happy reading, and let me know what you think._

* * *

When they brought her in, she was wrapped in Dimitri's duster and Rose had an arm around her shoulders, guiding her. Her eyes were wide but she scanned the room, taking a moment to look at each of the waiting figures. Her hair hung in greasy strands down past her shoulders, longer than Adrian had ever seen it. She didn't make a sound. A glance at her feet showed that they were bare.

Adrian leaped up and ran toward Sydney and the Dhampirs (who couldn't be persuaded to bring Adrian, no matter how much convincing he tried). Eddie came forward to meet him and whispered quick words into his ear, quiet enough that Sydney wouldn't hear.

"God, it was bad, Adrian. They were keeping her naked, that's why Dimitri gave her his coat. Under the coat she's covered in blood, but I don't think it's hers because she doesn't seem to be injured. She hasn't said a word or shown any sign of recognizing us since we found her. I… Adrian, I'm not sure if she's even in there anymore." His voice cracked on the last sentence, and he exhaled and pushed a hand through his hair. Adrian nodded once and pushed Eddie aside. He felt more than saw Jill coming up behind him.

"Sage," he whispered. He put a hand on her cheek and she let him, but not like she remembered his touch and craved it, not like she needed that hand there the way he did. More like she didn't quite realize that it was a hand on her face; he could see what Eddie meant about her not even being in there. This was just a shell of Sydney.

He needed _Sydney._

"Oh Sydney," Jill said sadly from behind him, and he scooted a little to the side so she could stand next to him. She reached for Sydney's hand which, Adrian realized, was so covered with blood it was as though she'd been finger-painting with it.

"Sage, what the hell happened to you?" he murmured. Jill glanced up at him and took Sydney's other hand as well.

"Do you want to go get cleaned up?" she asked. "We can go wash your hair and get all this blood off you, and then you can put on some real clothes." She was speaking very sweetly and gently, as if Sydney were a doe she was trying to feed out of her hand.

Sydney showed no sign that she had even understood Jill's words, but Jill decided that it needed to be done regardless.

"Rose and I will help you," she said, tugging on Sydney's hands to get her to move. Rose shook her head.

"This one's all you, Jill. She saw me fight and… I think she's scared of me." Jill nodded and Rose retracted her arm from Sydney's shoulders. Sydney didn't even seem to notice. They all watched helplessly as Jill led Sydney to the bathroom.

Adrian wondered if she'd ever be the same again.

In the bathroom, Jill locked the door and turned to the cupboard to get clean towels. She laid them out carefully on top of the toilet before looking at Sydney again, who hadn't moved. She just stood there, holding Dimitri's duster tight to her.

Jill fought back tears at the vacant look in her eyes, but took a deep breath and forced herself to keep it together. If Sydney could be strong, so could she.

"Your hair's getting so long," she said. "It looks pretty like that. I bet it's easier to maintain when you keep it short, though. We can cut it later if you want." She waited half a second to see if Sydney would give any kind of signal as to how she wanted her hair, but she didn't.

"Okay, I'm going to get the water running." No longer expecting a response, Jill just marched over to the tap and turned the water on, holding her hand under it to test the temperature. Once it was warm enough, she switched it so it would come out of the shower head, and then she turned to Sydney.

"You have to take that thing off now, okay? So you can get in the water?" She gently approached Sydney, wondering if she'd have to take the coat off for her, but then she nodded slowly and shrugged it off, letting it fall to the floor.

Jill sucked in a breath, unable to hide her shock. Sydney's face had retained its same sweet roundness, and Dimitri's coat had swallowed her, but now Jill could see just how much she had been through. Aside from looking as though she'd been painted with blood, her hip bones looked like they should be sharp enough to cut through her skin, and Jill could count each individual rib. Any weight she'd gained after Adrian's intervention had been lost, along with fifteen extra pounds she hadn't had to lose. Jill blinked and tried not to let Sydney see her sadness and anger.

"Good job," Jill said. She put a hand on Sydney's shoulder, sticky with blood, and guided her to the shower. "You want to get in? It'll feel good, it's nice and warm." Jill nodded as Sydney obediently climbed into the shower and stood under the pouring water.

Already, without even any soap or scrubbing, the blood was starting to wash away, turning the water swirling down the drain pink. Jill grabbed a washcloth out of the cupboard and put some body wash on it and handed it to Sydney, who took it and stared at it as if she wasn't sure what it was. After a moment's hesitation, Jill kicked off her shoes and socks and climbed into the shower with Sydney, fully clothed.

"It's okay," she said quietly, taking the washcloth back. "I'll get you cleaned up." She began gently rubbing at the spots where blood was not coming off as easily. She lifted up Sydney's hair and scrubbed the back of her neck, went lower and scrubbed the rest of her back, scrubbed her arms and her chest and her stomach and her legs.

Not for the first time, Jill wondered why she was covered in blood.

Her hands proved tricky, and seemed to be really stained. Jill squirted a little bit of soap into Sydney's palm.

"That'll come off if you rub your hands together like this," Jill said, demonstrating as she rubbed her own palms back and forth. Sydney mimicked the motion and Jill left her to it as she got to work on her hair.

"We can get your hair nice and clean, now," she said as she worked shampoo into Sydney's scalp. She was several inches taller than Sydney, who was already fairly tall for a human girl, so she could really get the shampoo into the roots.

Jill let the shampoo sit for a minute and took Sydney's hands again, inspecting them.

"You got it all off," she said. "Good job." She dropped Sydney's hands and Sydney began wringing them together slowly, as if she were still trying to get blood off of them. "I'll rinse this soap out of your hair now."

She began running her fingers through Sydney's hair, working the shampoo out, making sure to tilt Sydney's head back to the soap didn't run in her eyes. Because her hair was longer than usual and likely had been a long time without being brushed, Jill worked some conditioner in next, and left Sydney just standing under the warm water while the conditioner did its work.

"That feels good, doesn't it?" she said as Sydney lifted her hands up slightly above her head, fingers splayed so the water could still slip through them. After a moment, Sydney just sat down under the spray, knees clutched to her chest. Jill took the opportunity to hop out and towel herself dry, and grab another towel for Sydney since she'd used hers. She stuck her head out the bathroom door to ask Rose to bring Sydney some clothes and found that a neat little pile of clothes had already been left right outside the door.

When she was done, Jill kneeled down on the ground and managed to rinse Sydney's hair of conditioner without getting back in the shower, though her wet clothes clung to her uncomfortably.

"Are you ready to get out?" Jill asked, and Sydney stood obediently. Jill turned the water off and handed Sydney her towel, wondering with a chill what had been done to her to make her so easily follow commands.

Jill helped Sydney dry herself and then wrapped her hair up in the towel. She handed Sydney a pair of Adrian's boxers, and she slid them on. Next came the sweatpants that had to be rolled up several times, and then she helped Sydney pull his AYE shirt on over the towel wrapping her hair. Jill watched with a pang as Sydney took a moment to examine the ridiculous skeleton motorcyclist and then had no reaction to it.

Did she even remember them? Maybe Eddie had been right that Sydney wasn't even in there. Maybe Adrian was right that this was just a shell of Sydney.

"Okay, let's untangle your hair, now," she said, carefully unwrapping the towel from Sydney's hair. She patted her hair dry one more time and then used the towel to wipe the fog from the mirror so they could see themselves. "Let me know if I hurt you, okay?" she said as she began to comb through her thick blond hair. It was already looking much better.

Suddenly Sydney leaned forward, jerking her hair through the teeth of the comb in a way that was probably pretty painful.

"Oh! Are you - " Jill fell silent as she realized what had caught Sydney's interest. Her face was inches from the mirror, and her eyes rested on her golden lily tattoo.

Maybe Sydney was still in there after all. Maybe they just had to find her.

"Oh, yeah," Jill said nervously. "That's your tattoo. Do you… do you remember it?" She was hesitant, having no idea what was going on in Sydney's head.

Sydney didn't answer, though her vacant expression for the first time took shape to show emotion. She scowled as her fingers gently touched the tattoo.

"Here, you can keep looking at that and I'll just finish combing your hair," Jill said quietly, reaching for her hair again, but suddenly Sydney was bending to pick up the dropped towel, and then she leaned so close to the mirror that her nose was practically touching the glass.

And then she began to wipe at the tattoo with her towel.

"Oh, Sydney!" Jill said nervously, setting down the comb. "Oh, no that - that doesn't come off - that doesn't - " But Sydney just scrubbed more vigorously, rubbed until her cheek turned pink and then red. "That tattoo, it - it's there forever - I mean - here, give me that, okay?" Jill anxiously pulled the towel out of her hands and set it on the toilet behind her.

"That doesn't come off, okay? But believe me, I understand the sentiment." Sydney continued to scowl and turned back to her reflection. Jill picked up the comb again and continued to work out the tangles.

She saw it a split second before it happened but had no time to stop it. Tears suddenly filled Sydney's eyes and she raised her hand, dug her fingernails into her cheek, and dragged them down her face.

"Sydney no!" shrieked Jill, dropping the comb and grabbing Sydney's hand. She'd managed to do some serious damage; it had to hurt quite a bit.

Suddenly the bathroom door burst open and Rose came in, clearly having heard Jill's shriek.

"What's going - oh my god." Rose's mouth popped open as she saw the four bloody lines that slashed through Sydney's tattoo. "I'll go find a first aid kit." Jill nodded and turned Sydney to face her, examining the scratches. She reached up a hand to gently touch her cheek, and Sydney squirmed away.

"Sorry, does that hurt?" Sydney's eyes widened as she pressed herself as far from Jill as she could. She shook her head and nervously twisted a piece of hair around her fingers.

"You're one of _them." _


	2. Confession

_**AN: **__Thank you for the wonderful reviews you left, and for favoriting and following this story! I'm glad you guys all have so much faith in me; I can only hope this chapter isn't a disappointment. This chapter was originally written as two separate chapters, but today when I was getting ready to post I realized that these two combined are shorter than the first chapter, so I've decided to give them both to you together rather than risk incurring your wrath. Anyway, I hope this lives up to your expectations, and please let me know what you think of it!_

* * *

"Sydney, I would never hurt you," Jill whispered, tears threatening to fall. "You_—_you know that. I know you do."

Sydney nodded slowly, eyes big, her fingers twisting and untwisting a piece of hair, a nervous habit Jill had never seen her do before. Her hair hadn't been long enough the last time she'd seen her.

"I'm ready to confess my sins," Sydney whispered.

"What?"

"I'm ready to confess my sins." Jill took a hesitant step toward Sydney, and another when Sydney didn't seem to mind. Sydney's hand was pressed against her throat and Jill knew, only because Adrian had noticed every time she'd done it, that her fingers were searching for a wooden cross that no longer hung there. "I'm ready to confess my sins," she said again.

Jill's heart broke. "Oh, Sydney, you haven't sinned. Can I look at this now?" She stretched her fingers out toward the scratches on Sydney's face, and when Sydney let her she went ahead and began to examine them more closely.

The door opened then and Rose came in with alcohol swabs and bandages.

"I got this, Jill. Go change, you're all wet." Jill nodded and left Rose and Sydney alone.

"Hey there, Sydney," Rose said softly. "Why don't you sit down here." She gently pushed her down so that she was sitting on the toilet lid, and then she kneeled in front of her.

Rose began to dab away the blood with an alcohol swab. She thought it must sting, but Sydney didn't react.

"Man, this looks like it hurts. You did this to yourself?" Rose began to put the bandages on, watching Sydney's face for some reaction, any reaction.

"I'm ready to confess my sins," she whispered, not even looking at Rose.

"Your sins?" Rose asked, sticking on the last bandage. Sydney didn't answer. "Alright, you're done. And hey, you even got your wish–you don't have to look at that tattoo anymore."

Sydney swiveled around to examine her reflection again, touching the bandages that covered the lily.

"I'm ready to confess my sins," she said again, her fingers running over the spot where her tattoo should have been.

"Yeah," Rose said nervously, flipping her hair over her shoulder. "Um, okay. That's just_—_whoa." Rose lunged toward Sydney, startling her. "Sorry, just_—_your nails are like claws, no wonder you did so much damage. You should cut them." Sydney looked at her hands as if she was seeing them for the first time.

"I'm ready to_—_"

"Confess your sins, yeah, I know," said Rose. "Here, let me do these for you." Rose dug around in Adrian's drawer for nail clippers and then got to work on Sydney's hands. She worked mostly in silence while Sydney watched curiously.

"I'm ready to confess my sins," Sydney said again quietly. Rose glanced up from her fingers and watched her anxiously.

"Okay," she said. "Okay, tell me your sins." Startled, Sydney met Rose's eyes. Her brows crinkled in confusion for a moment and then she shook her head vigorously.

"I haven't sinned."

"Okay," Rose said, clipping the last nail. "Here, let me braid your hair for you since it's all wet." She stood behind Sydney and began to braid with practiced fingers. Sydney once again touched the bandage covering her tattoo as Rose began to twist the elastic around the end of the braid.

"I'm ready to confess my sins," she said, turning to face Rose. Rose hid her worry as she shook her head firmly.

"You haven't sinned. You just said that." Sydney shook her head frantically.

"But I have, I have!"

"No, you haven't," Rose said firmly. Sydney took Rose's hand and pressed it against her bandaged cheek.

"They're my sin," she whispered.

* * *

"She's total crazytown in there," Rose announced to the rest of the group. "I mean, Adrian and me at spirit's worst made more sense than she's making right now. She keeps going on about how she has to confess her sins. And of course, that's after she mutilated her face with her bare hands."

"But she's talking," Adrian said anxiously. "She's here with us at least."

"Honestly," Rose said, looking down, "she hasn't said one thing to make me think she has any idea she's even on planet Earth. I don't know if she's drugged or in shock or… you know, really damaged. But she's not Sydney right now." Rose shrugged, but they could all tell she was really concerned. "I left her in the bedroom, I think she might actually be asleep."

Adrian pushed himself off the couch and started toward his bedroom.

"I need to_—_I need_—_"

"Go," said Jill sweetly. He nodded and was gone.

Slowly, carefully, he pushed open the door to the bedroom. The lights were dim and she sat curled up in his bed, his comforter piled around her. Her unusually long hair was in a braid hanging over one shoulder. He could just barely see the hat of the skeleton motorcyclist on his AYE shirt peeking up over the top of the comforter.

He had been willing to let Jill help her shower, let Rose mess with her hair and bandage her face, but now he _needed_ to see her. It wasn't enough anymore to know that she was in his apartment and breathing and thinking. He needed to see her, feel her.

"Sage," he said as shut the door, and she looked up at him with wide eyes. She nestled herself into his bed, and he wondered what she'd been sleeping on for the past few months. He should just let her sleep.

"We don't need to talk right now. I know you're tired. I just… can I just sit here? I'll just sit here, okay?" She nodded her head once, but her eyes were looking past him and he wondered if she even knew he was there.

Maybe Eddie was right. Maybe she wasn't in there anymore.

Adrian sat at the foot of the bed while she fell asleep. Now that she wasn't in Belikov's giant jacket, he could tell that she had lost a lot of weight, and the dark circles under her eyes told him that she desperately needed the sleep. He wanted to stroke her hair, but he didn't want to wake her up, and more importantly, if she did wake up he didn't want to scare her.

He shivered at the thought that his touch might be frightening to her now.

Suddenly, on a whim, he had an idea. There was no reason to think it would work, no reason to think it would be of any use. He just needed to talk to her right then, even if she was asleep.

He settled in, making himself comfortable, and opened his mind to spirit, calling out to her in her dreams.

They were still in his bedroom, she in his AYE shirt and sweat pants, he still in the jeans and wrinkled button down he was wearing in reality. It didn't matter.

She was sitting on the bed on top of the covers, knees hugged to her chest. Her face lit up when she saw him.

"Adrian!" He couldn't breathe. That was recognition. That was _happiness._ She leaped up from the bed and threw herself at him, wrapping her legs around his hips, her arms clinging to his shoulders as she crushed her lips to his. He hesitated for a moment, startled, and then he let himself fall into it. He would question it later. Now, he just needed to feel her there, in his arms.

It had been so long since they'd done this. After what seemed much too short a time, Adrian forced himself to pull away. She left her hands cupped around his cheeks, even as he gently set her back down on the ground. Her eyes were wide but full of life and intelligence. There was no question that this was the girl he'd fallen in love with.

"Sage, what_—_what's going on? You_—_you're here! You're talking! You know me!"

She sighed and tucked a piece of hair that had fallen out of her braid behind her ear. Then she touched the cheek with the tattoo, still bandaged even here in the dream.

"It's so strange," she said slowly. "I mean, I'm in here. I'm in here, it's me. But sometimes I just get so confused."

"Sometimes," he repeated. That was the most promising thing he'd heard all day. "So today was just a bad day?" She nodded.

"I mean, there are more bad days than good days, but… yes. It's like sometimes I can't remember why I'm trying to fight them, can't remember what makes them bad, and then I get confused trying to remember. But inside, in here, I always know." She let out a cry of frustration and yanked hard on the braid that was hanging over her shoulder. "I just hate not knowing what's real! I'm supposed to know!"

"Hey, Sage," Adrian said soothingly, carefully placing both of his hands on either side of her face. "You're still you, and you're still the most remarkable person I've ever had the pleasure of knowing. Okay?" She lowered her eyes like she didn't quite believe him. He tipped her chin up with one finger, forcing her to look at him again. He needed to look into those eyes again, needed to just drink in everything about her.

"You say it feels like you're stuck in here while the rest of you is confused?" She nodded. "Then we just have to figure out how to let you out. We can do that. You've helped me remember who I am so many times_—_it's my turn to help you." She nodded uncertainly, and he bent down to press his forehead to hers.

"Plus," he whispered, his lips inches from hers, "I'll come visit you every night, so I can talk to the real you." She pulled away, shaking her head.

"No, Adrian, that's so much spirit. You can't_—_"

"I can, and I will." He reached for her again and pressed a kiss to the top of her head. "Because I love you, and you need me."


	3. Coherent

_**AN: **Eddie and Sydney are my favorite. If you don't already know that about me, it'll pretty much be glaringly obvious by the end of this chapter. Anyway, thanks everyone for your continued support with this. Also, if this story keeps coming as easily to me as it has been, it's very possible that there will be more than 5 chapters. No promises, but it looks that way right now. Anyway, enjoy, and as always, let me know what you think of it. Sorry it's short._

* * *

Eddie was sitting at the table with a mug of coffee and a magazine he wasn't really reading. Rose and Dimitri had left since there wasn't enough room for everyone to sleep, and Eddie, Angeline, and Neil had all been taking turns keeping watch throughout the night, just in case the Alchemists tried anything, while Jill slept on the couch. It was very early morning now and it was Eddie's turn, while Angeline and Neil slept in sleeping bags on the floor.

He heard a sound, the smallest of shufflings, and stood, ready to wake Angeline and Neil if needed. After a moment, the bedroom door opened and Sydney appeared. Eddie softened.

"Sydney," he said quietly, approaching her slowly so as not to frighten her. He hadn't had a chance to talk to her since they'd arrived at Adrian's, but Rose had said that she wasn't making a whole lot of sense last night. He could see the bandages covering her tattoo, or more accurately, the vicious scratches she'd given herself in what they could only assume was an attempt to destroy the tattoo. "Did you sleep okay?"

She didn't answer immediately, looking around at Neil and Angeline on the floor, Jill stretched out on the sofa that was really too short for her. Finally, she met his eyes and nodded.

"Good," he said, putting an arm around her shoulders. "I can make you some breakfast, are you hungry?" He guided her to the table where he'd been sitting and pulled out a chair for her.

"Adrian's still sleeping?" he asked, glancing at the door she'd come out of. She followed his gaze and then looked back at him, nodding slightly.

"He slept on the floor," she said, sounding a little confused. Eddie exhaled; this was much better than the vacant silence from when they'd found her, or the incoherent babbling about sins from last night.

"Yeah, he didn't want to leave you by yourself." She looked down at her hands. "Do you want some coffee? There's a pot already made." He gestured toward his own mug, but she didn't answer.

Deciding she needed actual food more than she needed coffee, he went to Adrian's pantry and began to dig around, finally deciding to make her a package of instant oatmeal.

She sat in silence while he worked, only looking up when the microwave beeped that it was ready. He set the bowl down in front of her.

"Careful, it's hot," he said as she reached for the spoon. He sat down next to her and took a deep drink from his coffee, watching her. She got a bite on her spoon and blew on it before putting it in her mouth. She kept eating.

"Is it good?" he asked after a few minutes, mostly for something to say. He'd missed her for so long, missed that easy friendship they'd had, and now that she was here in front of him, eating oatmeal, he still couldn't be sure if she was all there.

"It is," she said, not making eye contact. Still, again he smiled. Maybe all of her wasn't here, but today at least part of her was.

"I'm glad," he answered, and she looked up at him. He met her eyes, and he thought he saw a spark, a flash of something familiar. Something like old Sydney.

She finished eating in silence. When she was done, Eddie silently took the bowl to the sink and then without consulting her poured a glass of orange juice and set it in front of her. She gave him a glance and then drank obediently, downing the whole glass in one drink. She set it down with a clunk.

"You seem better," said Eddie, taking the glass from her. She nodded.

"The drugs have worn off," she said softly. "Also you guys came right after a blood session." She averted her eyes from his. "Those are bad."

He hesitated for a moment. "Is that… is that why you were covered in blood?" She nodded.

"If you like vampires you must like blood, right?" She gave a cynical sort of laugh. "Aversion therapy of sorts." At his blank look, she sighed and continued. "Vampires and blood go hand in hand, and if you're able to care about them that means you've forgotten that. So they had to remind me."

Her words gave him a chill down his spine. He'd lain awake many nights wondering what was happening to her. He'd suspected torture, but this was psychological. That was a whole new level of evil.

Still, she seemed so much better than she had yesterday. So despite this new, alarming information about what had been done to her, he allowed himself to believe that she would be okay. Maybe even completely okay, some day.

It was a weight off his chest. He'd lost her when he was supposed to protect her, but here she was sitting in front of him, alive, coherent, and even well-fed. He allowed himself a sigh of relief. Even beyond his obligation to protect her, he cared about her.

"I'm sorry I tricked you," she said after a moment of comfortable silence between them. He looked at her, and she was fiddling with the hem of her shirt.

"I'm not mad about that," he lied. She raised an eyebrow. "Okay, I am mad about that. But I'm not mad at you. I'm just… mad at the situation, I guess. Even if you hadn't done it, there was no way I could've won against that many, especially since they had guns. I hate that."

"That's why I did it," she said quietly. Eddie nodded.

"I know that. And that's one of the things I admire about you. But it still sucks."

"Yeah, it does." After a moment, she spoke again. "Do you remember when my car exploded?"

"Into foam? And we had to dive into it and find your illegal gun before the cops did?" She nodded and chuckled slightly, and he grinned at hearing her laugh again. "How could I forget?"

"Do you remember what we were talking about before that?" Eddie nodded, unsure where she was headed.

"It was right after I found out Angeline had been cheating on me with Trey." Sydney nodded.

"You said… you said that sometimes it felt like I was really your sister." She kept her eyes downcast nervously. "Was… is that true?"

Eddie nodded slowly. "Yes, that's true. More than sometimes. Especially recently."

Sydney exhaled. "I feel like that too," she said. "I didn't ever get a chance to tell you, but I wanted to make sure you know."

"I know," he said softly. He watched her for a moment, and she fiddled with her hair, long enough now for her to easily do so. "I'm glad you're okay," he finally said. She froze and looked up at him.

"It's a good day," she said with a little smile. Eddie nodded his agreement.

He could only hope the future contained more good days for her than bad.


	4. Callistana

_**AN: **You would not believe the week I've had – if I told you, you would seriously think I'd made it up. I honestly didn't think this chapter was going to happen on time, but here it is. On that note, I said at the beginning of this story that everything was already written and there were five chapters. This chapter is not one I originally wrote. Yes, that means that there are now definitely going to be more than five chapters. How many more? We'll see. Anyway, I hope you like this and as always, let me know what you think._

* * *

Some days were good, some were bad.

Or: some days were good, but a lot were bad. Or: enough days were good, but most were bad.

Plenty of the time she knew exactly where she was, exactly who she was, and who were the good guys and who were the villains in this piece. And she would be quiet but content, spending her time on the couch curled up against Adrian with a book, or with Eddie and Jill and Angeline and even Neil there to entertain her. And she would be happy even though she was maybe a little bit broken, because this was how things were meant to be.

On the bad days she was confused. Sometimes it was like she wasn't even there. Those were the days where she stared blankly into space while Jill gently helped her shower and dress, just like the first night. Sometimes she couldn't remember that they wouldn't hurt her, and she would scream and try to run from them. Those were the days when Eddie would stand by the door at the ready while Adrian would sit next to her and try to reason with her and get her to think logically_—_not his strong suit, but he knew her well enough to know it was the only way to get through to her. Sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn't.

On one such bad day, Adrian was nearly in tears with frustration at the whole situation.

"If we were going to hurt you, we would have already, right?" He was trying to ignore the irrational hurt at the fact that she did not just believe him because it was him; it wasn't her fault, he knew that. The only way to get through to her was logic and reason.

The problem was that her fear _wasn't _logical or reasonable.

"Don't touch me," she said, though he had made no move to do so.

"I'm not going to, Sage, you know I'm not," Adrian said, furiously blinking back tears and trying to stay patient. "You're all the way over there, right? How would I even reach you?"

She seemed to think about it for a moment and then disregard him. Suddenly, she made a mad dash toward the door, despite Eddie standing protectively in front of it. Even as she tried to shove him out of the way, he caught her shoulders and held her in front of him.

She let out a bloodcurdling scream, making Eddie visibly cringe, but he kept his hands on her shoulder. He lowered his head and put his face directly in front of hers.

"If you go sit down I'll let go of you," he said slowly and clearly. She shook her head and threw herself against him, as if she might be able to do so with enough force that she could knock him over and get out the door. He barely moved, and he carefully pushed her back from him. She screamed in frustration.

"Sage, come on," Adrian said desperately. "Please."

She was beyond reason at this point, though. The only thing they had figured out to do so far when she reached this point was to wait it out. Adrian caught Eddie's eye and they exchanged a sad look. This was so far beyond any version of Sydney that either of them had known; Adrian honestly thought he might've given up on her if he didn't know that she was still inside.

But he did know that she was in there. Every night, he met her in her dreams, and they would do what they couldn't in reality. They would press against each other, drinking each other in until all hours of the night, at which point she'd scold him for his use of spirit and he would smile because this was how things used to be. If it had been a bad day, he would just hold her while she cried her frustration at the whole situation. Tonight, he would visit her and she'd be scared and angry and confused at what she was doing right now – screaming and fighting him and Eddie. And it was because he knew that that girl _was_ inside that he couldn't give up on her.

"Sydney, you need to go sit down," Eddie was saying, still firmly holding her at arm's length as she struggled.

"Sage," Adrian said, approaching her. "If you stop fighting he'll let go of you. That's what you want, right? The way to make him let go of you is to come sit down here."

She met his eyes, and in a split second, her body sagged to the floor like a rag doll. Eddie slid down to catch her if she needed it, reflexes sharp as ever, but she landed on her knees and her back curved forward as she pressed her forehead to the ground. Adrian rushed to her side, his hand hovering by her shoulder before he decided that putting it there would not be helpful. He glanced at Eddie, who was watching with concern. When he saw Adrian watching, he shrugged and opened the door, stepping out.

"I'll be out here if you need anything. Or if she tries to bolt again." Adrian nodded his thanks and Eddie left.

Sydney was still kneeling with her forehead against the floor. She had her arms wrapped around her stomach like if she let go her insides might fall out. Adrian knew the feeling.

"Sage?" he asked quietly. She began rocking back and forth, her face still against the floor. Adrian sighed. "Sydney."

That used to be a surefire way to shock her out of any mood good or bad, but that was before. Now, she just kept rocking.

Adrian got comfortable, settling himself in on the tile, leaning against the cupboards, as he knew she could be there for hours. He liked to think that she was working things out when she did this, that she was processing things and sorting through which feelings were real and which were fabricated, though of course he had no idea. Half the time when he would talk to her the night after, she wouldn't even remember it having happened. That worried him; it was too similar to some of his very worst days with spirit.

As he watched, the rocking slowly stilled, to be replaced by heaving.

"Sydney?" he said, leaning toward her. "Are you okay?" The heaving became gasping, and his hand hovered over her back. He desperately wanted to pat her and make sure she wasn't choking, or even to just rub her and comfort her, but he knew not to right now.

And then the gasping became sobbing.

"Sage, let me help," Adrian said, leaning forward to press his cheek against the floor, his eyes level with hers. Without looking at him, she sat up and he did the same.

"I'm sorry," she said, still sobbing. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry."

"No apologizing," he said firmly. "It's not you. We know that." Of course, he knew better than to assume that this was her, either. For all he knew she was locked in her head apologizing to the Alchemists for falling in love with him.

"But what – about – Hopper?" she sobbed.

That stopped him short.

"What did you just say?"

"Hopper is just a rock and he's just been a rock and he's our love child and the center never holds and the world is burning and–"

"Hey. Sage, stop." He put his hands on either side of her face; this was Sydney. Or rather, this was almost Sydney. This was Sydney who was just starting to come back to earth, back to him. He would help.

Adrian reached into his pocket and pulled out the little stone that he'd been keeping with him for months. He took her hand, turned it palm up, and carefully folded each of her fingers around it.

"I bet he'll be happy to see you. Little guy's probably starving." She nodded and examined the little stone silently.

In all honesty, Adrian had no idea how Hopper would have faired. He'd obviously spent time around Adrian, but it had been months since he'd eaten, seen Sydney, or been in his dragon shape. He didn't want to mention any of that to Sydney, though, who finally seemed to be calming down from the morning's events.

"I want to see him," she said quietly, finally meeting his eyes.

"So do I," Adrian admitted. "It's been a while." And as he watched, she held the stone with delicate hands in front of her face, concentrating hard in the way that he knew could only mean she was doing magic.

It had been months since he'd seen that look on her face, and it gave him a thrill to see her with such clarity for the first time in so long. Not wanting to interrupt, he opened the door a crack and motioned Eddie to come close.

"Could you and Jill run out and grab us some pie? Lots of pie. There's a great place not far, she can direct you." Ignoring Eddie's baffled expression, he pulled the door shut before Eddie had a chance to enquire further.

He turned back to Sydney. Her brow was furrowed, and she was concentrating harder than he'd ever seen her before, amazing as that was. She began mouthing words silently, words even he couldn't hear. Her forehead wrinkled slightly and then the corners of her mouth pulled up and her lips quivered and her eyes shined and she murmured faster and faster and suddenly, Adrian realized what was going on.

She couldn't do it.

"Sage," he said softly.

"No!" she shrieked, tears in her voice. "I can do it! I can!"

"It's okay," he said covering the little rock in her hands with his. "Give yourself a break. You're out of practice."

"No," she whispered, staring at their hands, clasped together over their tiny dragon love child.

"Yes," he rebutted, "you are."

"I don't know what to do," she whispered. "It's gone."

"He's not gone," Adrian reassured her. "You can try again later."

"No, it is!" she cried, pulling her hands out of his. His hand snapped out and caught the little stone before it hit the ground.

"Adrian, my magic is gone!"


End file.
